De
-
escalation
Interpersonal
Skills
1.
Self
-
Regulation
&
Presence
SKILLS
1 –5
You
cannot
slow
someone
else
down
if
you
are
speeding
up
.
These
skills
govern
your
own
nervous
system
first
.
01
Slow
,
controlled
breathing
Extend
the
exhale
to
four
counts
or
longer
.
A
longer
out
-
breath
drops
your
heart
rate
within
a
few
cycles
and
keeps
your
voice
from
tightening
at
exactly
the
moment
it
matters
most
.
02
Volume
and
tempo
control
Deliberately
speak
slightly
slower
and
lower
than
the
person
in
front
of
you
.
Never
match
their
volume
—
let
yours
come
down
and
give
theirs
room
to
follow
.
03
The
deliberate
pause
Wait
two
to
three
seconds
before
responding
.
It
interrupts
reflex
replies
,
prevents
you
from
answering
an
insult
instead
of
the
concern
,
and
signals
that
you
are
actually
weighing
what
was
said
.
04
Self
-
awareness
of
personal
triggers
Know
the
specific
words
and
accusations
that
reliably
set
you
off
— "
you
people
," "
incompetent
,"
being
personally
blamed
for
a
system
failure
—
and
name
them
silently
to
yourself
before
they
land
.
05
Comfort
with
silence
Let
a
pause
sit
without
filling
it
.
Most
people
will
use
an
unfilled
silence
to
say
the
thing
that
is
actually
bothering
them
,
which
is
usually
not
the
thing
they
opened
with
.
2.
Listening
Skills
SKILLS
6 –1 0
Escalation
is
usually
a
bid
to
be
heard
.
Listening
is
the
fastest
intervention
available
and
costs
nothing
.
06
Reflective
paraphrasing
Play
the
substance
back
in
your
own
words
:
"
So
the
appointment
was
moved
twice
,
and
nobody
called
you
either
time
."
Paraphrase
the
facts
,
not
your
opinion
of
the
facts
.
07
Minimal
encouragers
Short
prompts
— "
go
on
," "
I
'
m
with
you
," "
okay
" —
that
keep
someone
talking
without
steering
them
.
Silence
plus
a
nod
often
works
better
than
a
question
.
1 / 4
08
Emotion
labelling
Name
the
feeling
you
are
picking
up
:
"
That
sounds
humiliating
."
An
accurate
label
calms
;
an
inaccurate
one
invites
correction
,
so
hedge
when
unsure
— "
it
sounds
like
,"
not
"
you
are
."
09
Listening
for
the
unmet
need
Ask
yourself
which
need
is
under
threat
—
safety
,
dignity
,
control
,
or
fairness
—
and
respond
to
that
,
even
when
the
complaint
is
nominally
about
a
form
,
a
fee
,
or
a
delay
.
10
Suspending
judgement
Hold
your
assessment
of
who
is
right
until
the
person
has
finished
speaking
.
Deciding
early
changes
your
face
,
your
tone
,
and
your
wording
long
before
you
say
anything
.
3.
Language
&
Framing
SKILLS
1 1 –1 5
The
same
message
can
calm
or
ignite
depending
on
four
choices
:
length
,
question
type
,
attribution
,
and
vocabulary
.
11
Plain
,
short
sentences
One
idea
per
sentence
,
in
everyday
words
.
Complexity
reads
as
evasion
or
condescension
when
someone
is
already
agitated
or
frightened
.
12
"
What
"
and
"
how
"
over
"
why
"
"
What
happened
next
?"
invites
a
story
. "
Why
did
you
do
that
?"
invites
a
defence
.
Reserve
"
why
"
for
moments
when
you
genuinely
want
a
cause
,
not
an
account
.
13
Non
-
blaming
"
I
"
statements
Frame
your
own
position
instead
of
their
failure
:
"
I
need
to
understand
what
happened
"
rather
than
"
You
'
re
not
making
any
sense
."
14
Acknowledgment
without
agreement
"
I
can
see
why
you
'
d
read
it
that
way
"
concedes
nothing
while
proving
you
heard
it
.
It
separates
recognition
of
their
experience
from
acceptance
of
their
conclusion
.
15
Retiring
absolute
and
trigger
words
Drop
"
always
," "
never
," "
obviously
," "
you
people
,"
and
above
all
"
calm
down
."
Each
one
is
heard
as
a
verdict
rather
than
a
sentence
,
and
each
one
resets
the
conversation
to
zero
.
4.
Non
-
Verbal
&
Spatial
Skills
SKILLS
1 6 –20
Before
a
word
is
spoken
,
your
body
and
your
position
have
already
set
the
terms
of
the
exchange
.
2 / 4
16
Open
,
visible
posture
Hands
where
they
can
be
seen
,
arms
uncrossed
,
shoulders
dropped
,
torso
turned
slightly
off
-
axis
rather
than
squared
up
.
Squaring
up
reads
as
a
challenge
even
when
your
words
are
neutral
.
17
Respecting
personal
space
Keep
roughly
four
to
six
feet
of
distance
,
and
never
block
a
doorway
,
crowd
a
desk
,
or
back
someone
into
a
corner
.
Perceived
confinement
is
one
of
the
strongest
accelerants
of
aggression
.
18
Soft
,
intermittent
eye
contact
Sustained
hard
eye
contact
reads
as
dominance
;
looking
away
and
back
reads
as
thinking
.
Aim
for
contact
that
is
steady
but
broken
by
natural
glances
aside
.
19
Pacing
,
then
leading
Match
the
other
person
'
s
rhythm
and
intensity
slightly
at
first
so
you
register
as
being
on
the
same
wavelength
,
then
gradually
slow
down
and
let
them
follow
your
pace
rather
than
the
reverse
.
20
Slow
,
telegraphing
movement
Announce
or
visibly
signpost
any
movement
before
you
make
it
.
Keep
hands
slow
,
low
,
and
below
shoulder
height
,
and
avoid
sudden
reaches
into
pockets
,
bags
,
or
drawers
.
5.
Boundary
-
Setting
&
Structure
SKILLS
21 –25
Warmth
without
limits
prolongs
incidents
.
These
skills
keep
a
conversation
containable
without
making
it
a
confrontation
.
21
Clear
limits
stated
calmly
Name
the
behaviour
,
the
limit
,
and
the
consequence
in
one
sentence
,
without
heat
or
apology
:
"
I
'
ll
keep
talking
with
you
as
long
as
the
shouting
stops
;
if
it
doesn
'
t
,
I
'
ll
have
to
end
this
for
now
."
22
Broken
-
record
technique
When
the
same
pressure
is
applied
repeatedly
,
answer
with
the
same
short
,
neutral
sentence
each
time
rather
than
escalating
your
justification
.
Consistency
ends
circular
arguments
faster
than
new
reasons
do
.
23
Offering
two
acceptable
choices
"
We
can
sit
here
and
sort
this
out
,
or
step
outside
for
five
minutes
and
come
back
—
your
call
."
Two
genuine
options
restore
a
sense
of
agency
,
which
is
often
the
actual
complaint
.
24
Structuring
the
conversation
Give
the
exchange
a
shape
out
loud
:
what
you
'
ll
cover
,
in
what
order
,
and
roughly
how
long
it
will
take
.
Unstructured
conflict
feels
endless
,
and
endlessness
is
its
own
form
of
pressure
.
3 / 4
25
Planned
cooldowns
Build
in
a
real
break
with
a
stated
time
and
return
point
—
"
Let
'
s
take
fifteen
minutes
and
pick
this
up
at
3:15"
—
so
the
pause
reads
as
structure
rather
than
as
a
walkout
or
a
dismissal
.
6.
Repair
&
Follow
-
Through
SKILLS
26 –30
The
incident
ends
before
the
relationship
does
.
These
skills
protect
the
working
relationship
and
your
own
capacity
.
26
Reading
escalation
stages
Watch
for
the
shift
from
frustration
(
words
,
complaints
,
repetition
)
to
agitation
(
movement
,
volume
,
pacing
)
to
aggression
(
threats
,
invasion
of
space
).
Change
tactics
at
each
stage
rather
than
repeating
the
one
that
worked
two
stages
ago
.
27
Summarising
the
agreement
Play
back
what
was
decided
and
who
does
what
next
,
in
plain
language
,
before
anyone
leaves
.
People
rarely
remember
a
tense
conversation
the
same
way
twice
.
28
Repairing
the
relationship
afterwards
Follow
up
within
a
day
or
two
with
a
short
,
non
-
referential
check
-
in
.
A
brief
acknowledgement
after
a
bad
exchange
is
what
converts
an
incident
into
a
working
relationship
.
29
Seeking
support
or
handing
over
Recognising
the
point
at
which
you
need
a
colleague
,
a
manager
,
or
a
specialist
is
a
professional
skill
,
not
a
failure
.
Fresh
eyes
de
-
escalate
faster
than
a
tired
voice
repeating
itself
.
30
Debriefing
without
blame
Review
what
happened
with
colleagues
in
a
conversation
about
what
worked
and
what
to
change
—
not
about
who
was
at
fault
.
Unprocessed
incidents
are
the
main
reason
people
stop
intervening
at
all
.
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